At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
