So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
