Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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