I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
