let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
