I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
