this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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