I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
