i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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