I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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