I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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