She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
