I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
