Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
