you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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