Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
