New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
