Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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