Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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