So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
