I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
