next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
