dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
