Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
