meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
