sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
