I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Fuck appropriateness.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
