I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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