I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
