Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
