i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
