He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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