Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
