Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
