im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
