So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
