I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
