Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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