and my herpes radar will keep us safe
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Found your dick twin last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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