God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I need help removing her.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
