Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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