They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
