I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
