You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
