i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize