So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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