It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
