nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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