how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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