I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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