Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Its about making memories worth repressing
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
