I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize