go do what you do best...puke behind churches
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
