And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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