We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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