omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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