So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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