im six kinds of drunk right now
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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