I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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