She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
