So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
