she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
