It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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